Tuesday, February 13, 2007

Disbelief

Sorry for the delay in writing again.

Honestly, I've been in a state of shock for the past week. Last Tuesday I met with Rich & Sharon and officially resigned my position on the praise team. We simply can't agree on the direction of the team and corporate worship. We talked for an hour and a half and probably could have kept talking, but we just couldn't agree. I can't see how taking a step back to where things were a year ago is moving forward and they can't see how having any congregation members feeling like they don't get the style of music they like done every week is healthy. I was absolutely clear that I didn't want to eliminate that style altogether, but rather to do it in sets where it "matched" musically and didn't make every set feel like a dial was being switched on a radio.

And ultimately, and more to the point, I want people to feel passionately about worship. Not about music. And IMO, allowing people to sit where they are comfortable rarely stirs passion. I know that if I have the choice to sit on my butt or to go work out, I'm more likely to sit on my butt, because it's more comfortable. But when I challenge myself, when I beat my body, it is then that I grow. How much more so in our spiritual life?

Mostly I've just been in a bit of a daze since all of this. Due to sick kids, we missed church again this week, but I shudder at the thought of going somewhere else. I know that right now I can't go to ToL. The wounds are just too fresh and too deep to head back there. I think we're going to the church the rest of the family attends for a season.

I also need to be very on guard about where I am as far as believing God. I was very certain that I heard His voice with regard to the direction of the praise team. To have that vision so directly shot down by the pastor really shakes that belief to the core. I know that he's not infallible, but dang! I expect that God would be speaking the same thing to the pastor and the worship director. And while I think that God has spoken the same thing to us ('07 being the year of greater freedom), I don't understand why the same path wouldn't be laid out. I mean really, I don't "God told me" like, ever, but I'm really very certain about this one. Being told it's flat out wrong is really just unthinkable to me, because of this certainty. It's also hard because for me, part of hearing God has been relying on the reactions of those I trust/respect. Perhaps I rely too heavily on the opinions of others rather than God and that's what He wants to show me. I don't know. And, of course, it's hard to sort all of that out due to the "not sure I'm hearing God" thing. ;-D

I feel very aimless right now. I don't want to leave our church. I don't want to stay at our church. I don't want to go somewhere else because I'm sure we're supposed to be at ToL. I need to soak in music and worship and that's the place of the wounding. I never, ever thought I'd be back in the same place I was 6 years ago, and yet, here I am. Ugh.

Sunday, February 04, 2007

New shift

I started the new 7-330 shift yesterday, and it's awesome! While I don't love getting up so early, it is pretty nice to be home in the early afternoon and to eat supper and what have you with the kids. I definitely enjoy that. And being a bit of a morning person, it's not been too bad. I need to get into the habit of getting to bed a bit earlier (even just two weeks of midnights get me in that "late" mode), but otherwise, it's good.

We went to see Charlie Hall & Bebo Norman at a local church on Friday night. Excellent concert. Hall was really great -- high energy, high praise, deep anointing. Norman was also very good. He did a very acoustic, mellow set. I probably would have enjoyed him more in a more intimate setting (200 instead of 1200), but it was very good. Charlie did "Center" and Bebo did "I Have Nothing" so it was a good night. ;-D

No news on the worship team front. I'm in a bit of a holding pattern for a little bit. A very good friend is moving back into the area and is intending to attend our church. He's an absolute artist and has big, big dreams. I'm sure we'll be in touch no matter where we end up. I do thank you folks for your comments, emails and most of all PRAYERS!

Okay, that's it. I took a spill in the work parking lot today and strained my back pretty good, then made it worse picking up a kid at bedtime, so I'm gonna' go watch the second half of the SuperBowl and then head off to bed. Be blessed!
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I'm a wife to an amazing man, and mom to four incredible kids. I'm a Christian woman who sometimes struggles with doubt. I'm a musician and a writer who is sometimes afraid to play and write. I'm trying to be more authentic every day.
 
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