I think sometimes we build up in our minds how the other person is going to react. We know that we would be unlikely to react in this manner, but for some reason, we expect that the person on the receiving end is going to freak out or something. We worry that our relationship will be irreparably harmed. Or something even worse that we can't even imagine. I know. I've been there. I play out the most horrific scenarios in my mind about what this person is going to say to me, how they're going to treat me, and how this relationship is going to effect every single other relationship that I have.

One of the first times that I really remember dealing with this was when I was in college. I'm sure I'd dealt with other difficult conversations before, but this was the first time that I remember sitting down and thinking that I wanted to deal with the discomfort immediately rather than to dwell on it for days before finally getting up the nerve to have the conversation. It was a relatively easy one. I was preparing for a recital, and needed the main hall to rehearse on the organ. I had booked it well in advance because I knew that I would need to practice on the instrument that I was playing on. I went in to a lesson only to be told that I would be unable to rehearse at my scheduled time because a professor "overturned" my booking so that he could rehearse another ensemble at that time. I was absolutely livid about this, but rather than sit and stew about it and start to worry about how whiny I would look or how mean he would be or how it might affect any of my grades with him, I decided to simply approach him about the issue. I explained how I was upset and together we worked out a way for us both to have access to the hall. It was so simple. No drama, no tears, no screaming. We just...talked. We communicated and everything was fine.

Granted, this has not always been the outcome. I've had some difficult conversations that were simply difficult. Lots of anger. Little understanding. No real move toward any kind of resolution. But those are incredibly rare. Most of the time these conversations aren't tough at all. They're just conversations. A few times they're hard, tear-filled, 10-tissue events, but even those generally have a good outcome.

So why do we do this to ourselves? Why do we avoid honesty, when honest communication almost always results in a better relationship? And what can we do to become "more approachabler"?

For me, I think I get myself all tangled up because I feel like people have a certain view of who I am and if I disrupt that view, they won't like me as much. But then I have to remind myself that if I'm not being honest, they don't really KNOW me to decide if they like me or not. Sure, they may like the version of me that I've allowed them to see or the version of me that they've assumed, but there's a good chance that it's not me. And if it's not me, it's not much of a relationship.

I also think that the second part stems out of the first. If I'm more honest about who I am, warts and all, I think that frees the people around me to be more honest. I don't think we have to be manipulative about exposing our real selves, but I do think that when people see that we're comfortable with who we are, they can be comfortable with who they are. And when we're all more comfortable, we can have real relationship. Not relationship based on trying to make someone something that they're not or trying to fit them into a mold that best suits us, but a real, genuine relationship.