Tuesday, June 01, 2010

One Month Later...

(Thanks to Rich for the link and the laugh!)

For the first time in the five and half years I've had this blog, I posted every single day of last month. Granted, some of the days barely count (posting a link to bad test answers or a video of Peter Griffin singing "Surfin' Bird" is a pretty poor excuse for a post!), but I got on here every day and posted something.

So what does that mean? Well, honestly, not a whole lot in the grand scheme of things. Despite much evidence to the contrary, I have some sense of proportion about where my scribblings (such as they are) rate on the blogosphere. But in my own personal life, this was a pretty major thing for me.

I posted just a few days ago about defeating El Guapo. Now I will fully admit that music is a place of the greatest joy and greatest terror for me. There is almost nothing that I can do that brings me happiness than playing, but my biggest hang-ups are definitely in that realm. But a close second to that is writing. I don't think there's a thing I can point to that really explains why, it seems to be much less "neat" than that. I think the bigger problem is a fear about being honest.

When Jason told me that he was an atheist, I was limited as to where I could share that information. So I started a "for me only" blog to try to process some of those feelings. And even though it's only a few entries long, I loved that place. It was one of the first times (because no one was reading it) that I was able to write something really honest. I don't think the quality of posting improved any, but I know that it felt so much better to write something without censoring myself like I sometimes did here.

Also during that period, I found a number of blogs written by Christians expressing a lot of the same thoughts that I had/have. It felt so good to see people writing openly and honestly about their struggles with the Christian faith. I honestly don't know if I'd ever seen people be so blunt about their doubts. Sure, I've found some incredible writers, but what really drew me to them was their authenticity. And that really stirred something in me.

I knew I wanted a different blog.

Not really different, but more honest. I've held things back here. It might not seem like it, but I definitely have. I might have posted controversial things, but not really bared myself. And a lot of the time, when I was afraid of what being real might get me, I'd just stop posting altogether. Which kind of defeats the purpose of having a blog.

The past month has been my experiment in writing no matter what. Even if I didn't feel much like writing or was afraid of what someone might say, I was going to put it out there. I would share my fears about posting a  few things with Jason or Tina, but I promised myself that I was going to post no matter what. And to my amazement, the response was overwhelmingly positive. (I stressed out my mom with one post, but I guess you'll have that!)

So thanks for your comments and your emails and your messages. They are incredibly encouraging to me. By all means, keep them coming!

What has been the biggest change you've made in the past month? What change would you like to make in the next month (or the next 3 months or the next year or whatever)?
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I'm a wife to an amazing man, and mom to four incredible kids. I'm a Christian woman who sometimes struggles with doubt. I'm a musician and a writer who is sometimes afraid to play and write. I'm trying to be more authentic every day.
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